It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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