Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
