and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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