I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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