my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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