Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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