I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We are two peas in an std pod
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
