Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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