Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
