i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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