you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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