I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
