Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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