It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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