I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
