He asked to "fluff my boner.."
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
