I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
