I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
her facebook's as public as her vagina
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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