We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
