Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
