You're a womanizer and a bitch.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
