you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
