I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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