I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
