Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
