Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
did you just send me my own nude
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize