I smell stomach acid.
she smelled like a LAN party
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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