this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
