i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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