I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
