you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
