its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
