Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
