this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
