before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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