Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
