dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize