Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
