8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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