How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
