when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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