every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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