so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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