You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
