Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
