I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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