so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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