I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
