I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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