you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
