girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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