Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
