watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
