I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
