I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
