I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
