He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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