and i looked up. we had an audience...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize