There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I wish there were birth control emojis
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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