how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
