u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
