Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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