Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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