Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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