You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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